May 10, 2010

More Relationship Tips

Here is my response to a letter from a college-age LII asking for tips about how to find an ESE dual. I thought the topic might be interesting to other readers.

Finding a particular type over the Internet is problematic unless you happen to be on a Russian language dating site that is based on socionics. On other sites expect that if you pick out 10 people you're interested in and think may be ESEs, only 2 of them will turn out to be ESE. Part of the difficulty is that everyone is trying to be positive and present qualities that others will find attractive, and it will be easy to mistake people's self-descriptions for possible ESEs.

My general advice is to not look for a particular type, but to focus on being yourself and doing things with sincerity and interest, and in general to follow standard advice for finding and developing new relationships. Put yourself in a position where a lot of new people will be crossing your path so that the odds are in your favor, and focus on expressing your personal qualities, talents, and interests so that a potentially compatible person will recognize you as such. Finding and keeping a dual is probably more about personal development than it is about knowing what to look for in others.

It's important to learn to take responsibility for your gender and type role when getting to know other people. In other words, to learn to do basic "man" things in the initial stages of the relationship, and to do the types of things that a dual type would be expecting. For instance, ESEs probably won't be expecting you to be super active in getting to know them initially. They'll enjoy the challenge of opening you up, discovering your interests and views, and involving you in stimulating and fun activities. At the same time, they'll be expecting you to be firm and confident and to express a clear interest in them in a manly sort of way.


Aleesha said...

"basic 'man' things"??

Jason said...

I often notice not just on dating websites, but everywhere, there are people who seem ESE, but for some reason I suspect are another type. Maybe it has to do with persona...

Anonymous said...

...sorry if this gets long and winding, I'm suffering from writing withdrawal. . .

"Finding and keeping a dual is probably more about personal development than it is about knowing what to look for in others."

Spot on. I get the impression that some people think that they don't have to do anything, or compromise at all once they find a dual. Relationships with people, involve people, and you have to be willing to work with, compromise, try to understand and deal with people, as the imperfect beings we all are.

There are a couple pertinent quotes coming to mind. One is "Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob marley and "You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't think you've done a permanent job." -Laurence Peter

Maybe it's those we understand on a gut level, instintually get, that really determines compatibility, so we and they can forgive and understand each other. Maybe socionics type has something to do with that, it very well might. But, with everyone, every single person you'll ever meet, something will come up. There will be some issue. And if you aren't self-aware enough to understand your part in it, or aren't willing to deal with your own issues - that person will get blamed, shunned, whatever. They're not perfect. Doesn't mean that they're not "your quadra" or "your dual" necessarily, and being so won't magically solve every issue so that you can coast on by without lifting a finger. That may be the lazy man's dream, but real life doesn't work that way.

Those that'll love us even when we make mistakes, are the people that usually everyone else loves too, because they know a basic truth about humanity - that it's human. And as one person told me "people like those who like them." If you're so busy finding fault, criticizing and comparing, and don't much like anyone, it's not like people won't pick up on that.

So, being the sort of person who can love others, be patient, understanding, and able to work with them, rather than expecting robotic "perfection" that's only "perfect" because it matches you without you having to change or make an effort at all, is really a key component of not just finding and keeping relationships of all kinds, including duality, but of happiness itself. And it goes both ways -- even if you're willing to work with a person, they have to be willing to do the same. And that's far more important than whether or not you're duals. Because, even duals can be shitty.

Sam said...

2 out of 10?? That seems pretty extreme. If someone provides enough information, photos, etc. it shouldn't be too hard to type them somewhat accurately. seems like a good free dating site.

Rick said...

Some years back I used an online dating site. I met 4 girls in person. They ended up being EIE (not 100% sure), SLE, ESE, and IEI (100% sure of last three). I had thought there was a chance each of them could be SLI.

Anonymous said...

i am a female ILE. i used socionics to write a personals ad on line. i found an IEI and am quite happy...not a dual but illusionary is quite good at least for me. we are almost 4 years and still going. you'd have thought we'd run out of gas by now if the relationship was not going to work out.

you can use socionics to attract cetain types on line i think...but perhaps it is more natural for introverts to be on line than extraverts. so, consequently, it may be easier for an extravert to attract an introvert on line than the reverse.

it's all in the way you write the ad. it can't be a lot of psycho mumbo's gotta be real.

anyway my 2 cents. :-D