Dec 27, 2006

Guidelines for Finding Compatible Partners

Finding compatible partners is very easy. Really. Just follow these simple steps:

  1. Find out what behavior styles are natural for you
  2. Behave naturally
  3. Wait and see who is drawn to you
  4. Take your pick

By "natural," I mean behavior that neither causes nor results from internal discomfort. If you can tell jokes and make the crowd laugh in a relaxed frame of mind, then that is your natural behavior. If you can sit and listen quietly without feeling tense inside, then that is natural. If you feel uncomfortable and tense trying to seem interested/funny/conscientious/quiet/loud, etc. - you are behaving unnaturally. You cannot attract compatible partners in a state of tension.

Many people think they have to do something extraordinary to attract people. If acting "extraordinary" comes naturally to you, than this might be the case. However, it is untrue for everyone else. If natural behavior in a group for you usually involves sitting and doing nothing, or listening passively, believe me - there is a whole category of people who are attracted to this. Trying to be something else and creating tension inside yourself will turn off potential compatible partners who are unconsciously looking for the calm, receptive type. They are not looking for tense, unbalanced imitators.

Many people are too unsure of themselves and their prospects to wait long enough for the compatible partners to emerge out of the woodwork. They want to force things along and make things happen now - for fear that it might be their last chance. However, often the people who notice you first are not the ones who will ultimately prove to be compatible. Instead, they are the people who like the shape of your lips, or the design on your sweater, or some other random thing about you. As incompatible or semi-compatible people show interest in you, you will sense that they are unconsciously expecting a different behavior style than what is natural for you. If you cave in and try to give them that behavior, you will win the battle, but lose the war. The trouble will come later on in a relationship when you start dropping your act and behaving spontaneously.

But if you insist on acting naturally, these initial courters will soon lose interest and move on, and another set of people will gravitate towards you. These are the people who think it's cool that you left the party early because you were tired, or - on the contrary - stayed there till the last people left in order to make sure everyone was having a good time. These people have noticed and value your natural, internally relaxed behavior and see something promising in it for themselves. They'll give you clues like sitting or standing closer to you, leaning forward and mimicking your facial expressions when you talk to them, asking you questions you find perceptive, and doing other good things. If you've done a good job of being yourself, then you have almost surely found the people who are most compatible with you in the given circumstances.


Anonymous said...

Very insightful article as always. This is something that I always thought made sense according to how information elements interact with each other, but was never able to articulate.

Personally, I feel like I have always forced myself to be something that I was not because it was the "ideal" that I thought would be attractive.

Do you have any advice to offer on finding one's most natural way of behaving. Being a high self-monitor I have always tried to modify myself into something I was not, to the point where I am unsure of what my natural self is.

Peter said...

One thing I liked a lot when trying to find out how should I behave "naturally" was reading "Good" and "Bad" versions of my type... You can change and become someone more attractive within the boundaries of your own type.

Ричард said...

>> Do you have any advice to offer on finding one's most natural way of behaving.

I think the key is to experience a state of internal balance and recognize it as such. In this state your psyche feels "pliable" and able to react flexibly to any external stimuli. You can sort of "flag" the experience and think to yourself, "this is where I want to be."

In my experience, these states often arise as the result of getting away from people and relationships that were creating tension (which you often aren't aware of), and from doing things you really enjoy together with people who don't bother you.

Anonymous said...

Pdamoc, where did you read these good/bad type descriptions? I would be very interested reading them.

Rick, thank you for your advice. I think that with this blog entry and the Nature and Persona article on your website you have began to touch on something that has not been explored much (at least in the English speaking Socionics world) but is perhaps one area of Socionics that could potentially help the most people and have a beneficial effect on their lives.

I have set out on the road towards finding my true nature and shedding the false persona I have built up over the years. I find that overcoming years of habits and training is very difficult but this is something that I am determined to accomplish. When I am doing this, how much weight should I put on my socionics type? I think that it would be good to use it as a starting point, but I feel there is more to my nature than just what a LIE's functions will dictate.

Ричард said...

>>> When I am doing this, how much weight should I put on my socionics type? I think that it would be good to use it as a starting point, but I feel there is more to my nature than just what a LIE's functions will dictate.

Definitely. One's nature and personal potential is quite a bit more specific than socionic type, which simply provides a general framework for understanding one's experiences and sentiments.